Author Archive for Chris Poulsen


Dear Small Time Crooks

While I commend you on your 10$ bust (well 9.70$…we found a nickel and a quarter after.) There’s a reason you’re still small time.  Most places check their machines on closing to make sure they don’t have a stupid amount of money inside it since it’d suck if someone took it.  This is the same practice for this establishment.

What you undertook was a gamble that there was going to be more money than the cost of tools to get inside it (my guess is that was a job done by a blowtorch).  I’ll give you the fact that you unplugged the machine before you put your hand inside it; but you either lost interest, ran out of fuel, or reasoned the risk involved using a blowtorch at night in the open since you barely torched the Gatorade machine.

I hope the 9.70$ is enough to cover the cost of fuel and I wish you luck in your future endeavors.
(Protip: Don’t go all out on a gamble unless you’re ok with risking jail time for covering your attempt’s cost.)


rise from my grave

This post is brought to you by Tatjana since she keeps telling me I never blog no more.

So I went to my friend Amanda’s graduation friday. Two people from work got me and we drove our asses to San Francisco to make it into the auditorium RIGHT WHEN AMANDA WAS GETTING HER DEGREE.
Photo finish of the century.

Now there was this girl there that I’m not cool with cause to make a long story short: she hella dumb. If I’m not cool with you I say zero words to you unless there’s a circumstance. There was a circumstance this time around cause it was my friend’s graduation. I didn’t want to be a dildo with my problems at her graduation cause that’s totally a selfish dick move and I’m not one to do those unless I want you to get a question wrong on a quiz about me…

Anyway I decided to only speak if spoken to by her…then I get a curve ball to my head when my friend Hector was like “Hey can I get a picture of you and Liz?” So I immediately get thoughts through my head like “you motherfucker” and say sure wouldn’t hurt.

I find out later Hector was like hey see if you can get a picture with Chris and at first she was like ok. Then realizing the error she was making she got kinda “iono” about it.  So Hector goes HEY CAN I GET PICTAR.  Anyway…

She stands next to me and this doesn’t check out with Hector so he says “HEY. Just set aside your differences for a second,” which prompts her to put her arm around me. I think “fuck that shit, I’m not getting showed up” and I wrap my arm around her too. This makes her smoosh closer to me which results in me bringing her closer to me since I refuse to be showed up.
What ended up happening is a real nice picture of the two of us came out. I’m not one to smile in photos but everyone was like “holy shit I didn’t know you could smile!” It felt awkward to tell everyone it was an uneasy “this mother fucker with the camera did this shit on purpose” smile. Some people were thinking the whole photo thing would make me miss when we were cool and forgive her or something. Whatever.

It’s such a good picture that I want a copy of it but it’s Liz’s camera and she hasn’t uploaded it yet and I’m getting pissed.
I’m about ready to tell her that if she wants to be friends again just upload the damn picture since it really was a nice picture to be honest. Shit sucks.

K bye.



I’ve been playing marvel a lot lately.


I don’t just go there; I’ve been here since last week

If I offend anyone I don’t care.
I don’t believe in the “4 years must past before it’s funny,” principle.
If you don’t find this even a little funny, you have a stick in your ass…you might want to take it out before you go back to xkcd.




Oldfag brings a serious news report for all newfags who’ve yet to come across this ongoing danger.

It’s because I love you…wanna play gamecube?



Re: I see your pooter Cleavage

So I saw the cameltoe away and I remembered this:

It’s lined with 25 razor teeth…RAPE STOP

I really hope some girl in a bar doesn’t forget she has this in when she goes home with some guy she fancies.



nerdcore gansta shiiit

Dr. Awkward - Next Gen

6 tracks (well one’s an intro) from a dude who can rap and convince me he knows how to spell.

I’m not a big rap fan but this shit is free and it’s pretty fucking good for someone who came out of nowhere.

I’m not gonna waste your time with a review…

Read more  about it, read some initial responses, and see the link for album gettage here:



Shit. I accidentally got back into MTG

At least I’m not using it as a money sink hole…I just use my old cards.
A couple of friends in my Philosophy class got me back to playing again.

tl;dr flavor: hey look at this->

From the MTG rulebook
102.3. There are several ways to lose the game.

102.3e If a player would both win and lose simultaneously, he or she loses.

∴ Applying logic correctly and assuming you’re following the rules of said game (which you already lost three times by now), you can’t win the game. I don’t care who you are: any attempt of being clever and finding a loophole will further prove your ignorance.

Randall Munroe I’m talking to you. (
You’re not funny and your comic is shit.
Wall of text version. May or may not be funny


Japanese girl takes 4 pounds of meat in mouth



I am a supernerd with a supercomputer using the supernet.

Don’t mess with me or I’ll Laplace Transform you.


August 2020