Archive for June, 2009

29
Jun
09

It’s me BITCHES!!!

Disinterested in all the sophomoric posturing of my age demographic, apathetic, and brash with little emotion, save for that reserved for hating”stupid people”. You can expect stark and shocking commentary on our languishing society , the nightlife excursions of a chain smoking social climber. Accounts of the sorted misadventures i go on with Vajayjay Rojas which can be both rewarding at times and annoying at best.

Aside from being the guy who’s opinion your going to love to hate, look forward to trend spotting post, tech talk, and a plethora of other useful information.

Consider your self warned Bitches the asshole has arrived.

XOXO,

The Smoke room socialite

28
Jun
09

YEAH OK IM A LITTLE SLOW

Ok.. so I didn’t know Brawndo was ACTUALLY REAL. WTF GUYS. <3 Idiocracy..

28
Jun
09

COURTESY OF LAMBERT

LAMBERT JUST POSTED A VIDEO ON FACEBOOK AND I’M TYPING IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE BILLY MAYS IS SO FRICKEN LOUD I THINK HE BLEW MY SPEAKERS OUT.

28
Jun
09

RIP Michael Jackson & Billy Mays

Because Youtube sucks, I can’t embed any of Michael Jackson’s videos, so here’s an awesome pic of Michael Jackson to uh.. SHOW HOW AWESOME HE WAS. And then a few awesome Billy Mays videos that are awesome.. Did you know that Billy Mays would often lose his voice for 16 hours after doing an infomercial because he was screaming so much!? 0_O

Rest in peace MJ & Billy Mays.

BILLY MAYS MAKES MY SPEAKERS STATICY.

Enjoy, internets.

20
Jun
09

woody harrelson is win.

THIS MOVIE WILL BE WIN.

19
Jun
09

I THINK I AM OBSESSED WITH EVERYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH SLAPCHOP

I am now fully convinced that if it has to do with Slap Chop, I think it’s hilarious and awesome.

19
Jun
09

this is why i love my job..

So in our district there’s a PV contest going on, and there’s four teams: Team Roflcopter (my team duh), Team Hot n’ Juicy, Team Brutal, and The Previewed Vanquishers. Ever since this morning I’ve been telling Jen I’m going to turn her team into Luke Warm n’ Pulp and that Vince needs to change his team name to Team Girl Scouts. My inbox is completely full of crude and mean text messages sent from one manager to another, and Steve is just like, “LOL GUYS THIS IS SO FUNNY KEEP IT UP.” I told Steve I was going crazy and that I was going to fax everyone a picture of a roflcopter.. so I did.

My favorite text message out of all the hundreds that have been distributed today was the last one from Kenneth..

“Yeah! Well with all the drunk Roflcopters dumping Hot N Juicy Brutal PV sales on the floor instead of in our guests’s hands, who else to lead this team victory thannnnnnnn! THE PREVIEWED VANQUISHERS.”

It doesn’t sound funny until you ask me what the hell I was visualizing in my head while reading this:

I was visualizing flying a roflcopter while holding a 40 of beer and Jen falling out of the helicopter spilling all these weird hot, colorful gel-like liquids on the world while Vince turned into a Hulk-type figure and raged on the planet while Kenneth sat on his pirate ship and laughed at us to his entertainment.

…O_o

19
Jun
09

lmao “fuckin’ green to white”

OPTIMUS PRIME CAN’T EVEN TEAR THIS SHIT DOWN.

17
Jun
09

THIS IS SO AWESOME.

THIS VIDEO IS FULL OF WIN.*

*courtesy of Alex lol.

17
Jun
09

THIS NEVER GETS OLD

Guys, for reals.. this video never gets old. Nostalgic internets.

17
Jun
09

Why livin’ a sitcom as a life sucks ass

How about  a bit of autobiography. As one of my professors stated, my life is dancing a fine line of sitcom and soap opera. It just got way way worse. Flash back to a couple months ago… I was happily dateing a fine lad by the name of kyle warren who happened to be an identical twin, pretty cool right? Well it got even better cause my best friend of 14 years met kyles twin, matt, and they instantly went googoo for each other. So there I was dateing kyle while sam dated matt. Did I also mention that matt, sam and kyle lived in a house along with BryBry and Rachel, two of our good friends, and FOUR DOGS? Everyday was something new and life was amusing and sweet until sam and matt started treading on rocky waters and eventually drowned. As of two days ago I am no longer the happy girlfriend of Kyle Warren but the stressed out girlfriend of a stressed out kyle whos emo ass brother is rubbing emoness all over cause his now ex girlfriend never wants to see him again. And since she’s my best friend Im her rock during this hard time. Just everytime I talk to her matt happens to be there making it awkward and AH! And I want to make sam happy but making sam happy makes matt sad which makes kyle sad which pisses me off so bfhsijfcskjl!!!! Fuck a Duck!!! Now someone just needs to end up knocked up. Sometimes I really hate having an interesting life.

17
Jun
09

SAFEWAY ENCOUNTERS

have to say that of all the places I’ve worked none have come even close in comparison to the interesting conversations and tidbits I hear and encounter at safeway. Following are a few examples

Italian Guy: Yea, I like lots of garlic, I’m italian
Me: Yea, me too. I’m Sicilian though
I.G.: Uh oh, I gotta watch my wallet when I’m around you then huh?
Me: (giggeling like a dork) Oh cause I’m SUCH a criminal
I.G.;s friend: I don’t get it. I’m so lost in this conversation
I.G.: Thats cause you’re irish, go sit in the moonlight and get a sunburn, leave this talk to us.

(over the overhead)
Nive juicy melons that will make your mouth overfloweth with slobber

(also over the overhead)
All courtesy clerks report to the restrooms… (couple seconds later) Please come prepared.

Some lady attacked the security guard with her electric wheelchair because he “looked at her funny”… same lady later knocked an entire display of wine over and gave out a death scream.

Crazy Black Lady: Your manager was VERY rude to me. I need you to pass a message along for me. Tell him I POLITELY suggest he take a few days off cuz he’s to stressed and I WILL NOT be disrespected by him.
Me: I’m so sorry mam. May I ask what he said to offend you so?
C.B.L.: He thought I was stealing balloons
Me: I don’t know why he would think that.
C.B.L.: Me neither, I just wanted to take one as a sample
Me: ummm, I don’t think you can do that.

Me: Oh! Your baby is SO cute!
Mom: I know ain’t he… Let me tell ya, If you want a cute baby fuck a black man. Halfie babies are way cuter then white babies.
Me: …. walk away….

and perhaps the most amusing quote of them all

Jason: yea, you could say its a bad morning. We dropped 18 chickens, 4 turkeys and set the oven on fire. Bad morning… very bad morning

10
Jun
09

Fanime Highlights: I’m Still Not Over It

You drive four hours with all your stuff packed up and a grin on your face. You can’t wait. You’re about to be in a convention center for the next four days of your life with all your friends and essentially going to be attending the best party ever.

A room on the 21st floor awaits your arrival, with windows wrapping around the entire corner room, looking over the city of San Jose. You unpack your stuff, put on your costume, and clip on your badge all ready to go.

The memories that are created at Fanime are one of a kind. Not every Fanime is the same, each one is different. The only thing that is the same is the happiness and AWESOME that Fanime fills you with.

Only at Fanime can you..

..stay up until 7:00am after driving four hours by living off of Coca-Cola and Mountain Dew and playing arcade cames.

..actually run up twenty one flights of stairs because the elevators suck that badly.

..dance to the Slap Chop Rap in front of random people you don’t know.

..tell your manager you’re dead until Monday.

..refer to yourself as a Princess and a bunch of rovers as your noble escorts.

..not be able to use the hottub on the third floor because ten minutes prior to your arrival, there was a diced tomato fight.

..invent drinks such as “Mountain ‘Cardi.”

..laugh when your friend drunkily operates a treadmill.

..dress up in costumes in the middle of the year.

..make so many new friends that you lost count.

..eat overpriced $9 nachos and not give a SHIT how expensive and overpriced they are.

..drink for four days and not feel the consequences until the day you get home.

..dance with your friends until the break of dawn.

..dance in the windows wearing nothing but your underwear.

Those are only but a few memories that are created at Fanime. There are so many more, and so many friends you meet that your mind goes into a sensory overload. And once Monday morning rolls around and you’re carrying your stuff down the stairs and into your car, you actually feel tears building up. Fuck a vacation in Cabo. Screw a trip to Europe. Forget that backpacking trip in Peru. Nothing, and I repeat, NOTHING will have you feeling better than four days of costumes, nerds, video games and booze. NOTHING. If you thought a nice vacation to Hawaii gave you that, “shit back to reality,” feeling when you got back, honey, you’ve felt NOTHING. Fanime 2009 was most definitely the BEST Fanime I’ve been to (and I’ve been going since 2006; so that’s four Fanimes), and I’m still feeling that “post-con ecstasy” that usually only lasts a few days.

Fanime 2010, I wish you were right around the corner.

08
Jun
09

Personality Of Spam

I want to see this movie. It’s like an old showtime movie special parody-ing Madonna’s Truth Or Dare tour documentary called “Medusa: Dare to Be Truthful” Starring Julie Brown as Medusa. It’s just one of those things that are funny because they are true.

08
Jun
09

Hollywood Video Highlights Volume 2

As promised, more awkward moments and silly things said in the work place.

J: Hey, can you get the phone for me? A guy is asking for a game.
Me: Yeah, sure. *picks up phone* Thank you for holding, this is Tatjana, how may I help you?
Customer: Some guy was already helping me.
Me: I’m sorry he’s busy at the moment, what can I help you with?
Customer: I SAID SOME GUY IS ALREADY HELPING ME.
Me: Sir, he’s with a customer right now.
Customer: But he said he was going to help me.
Me: He’s with a customer right now so he asked me to answer the phone and assist you.
Customer: FINE. Do you have the Chronicles of Riddick for the xbox 360?
Me: Yes sir, we do.
Customer: *click*

Me: Man, I hate closing. Adding numbers and stuff.
Alex: I’m pretty good at adding numbers and stuff.
Me: Where’s my calculator..
Alex: *shrugs*
Me: JEESSSIIIICCCCAAAAA!!! YOU CALCULATOR STEALERRRRRRR!!!!!!
Alex: o_o
*next day*
Jess: I am SO SORRY.
Me: …
Jess: At half time I looked at my phone and saw a text that said, “MY CALCULATOR!!!!!!!” and was like ooooh shit.

Me: I AM ON THE FLOOR SHAKING. I CANNOT believe we made our sales day by that much.
Jason: How much caffeine have you had? Or are you on a natural high?
Me: NONE. STEVE SAID I DIDN’T NEED CAFFEINE. I AM HIGH OFF MY OWN.. SALES GOALS.
Jason: You, are crazy.

Jason: So go ahead and Twitter Sherif some pictures of our sidewalk sale; there’s lot of people here, get some good pics.
Me: I never thought I’d live to see the day where my fricken boss seriously told me to Twitter.

Me: I think we really need to shut down that Blockbuster.
Matt: Yes, yes we do.
Me: *glares* I DON’T THINK YOU REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT PEANUT BUTTER M&MS ARE TO ME.




June 2009
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